My ex-wife divorced me for gambling. Two-to-one I can win her back.
Don't play hard to get if your face is hard to want.
I used to work for the Lipton Tea Company. I was fired for taking a coffee break.
"Knock, Knock."
"Who's there?"
"The doorbell repairman."
"Who's there?"
"The doorbell repairman."
"Oh."
You may be a redneck if you think "safe sex" means locking your car doors.
I requested a "wake-up call" at the hotel. The next morning someone called and said, "Stop wasting your life. Follow your dreams."
Newspaper ad: "Free puppets. No strings attached."
Is the "speed of light" the same as the "speed of dark?"
Money doesn't buy happiness, but it will buy you a good time in Vegas. Have you ever seen a sad person in a casino?
I took my "time machine" to the garage for a tuneup tomorrow and picked it up today.
A penguin walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Have you seen my brother? The bartender says, "I don't know. What does he look like?"
I'm mentally constipated. I haven't given a crap for several days now.
Captain Hook of Peter Pan fame died today. Cause of death sited as "severe jock itch."
My new thesaurus is terrible. It's also terrible.
I said "NO" to alcohol. It didn't listen.
Q. Why was there a "duck" at the Betty Ford Clinic?
A. Because he was a "quack addict."
A. Because he was a "quack addict."
Patient: "Doctor, I feel like I have the weight of the whole world on my shoulders."
Doctor: "Here, put this Zippo in your pocket instead. It's a little lighter."
Doctor: "Here, put this Zippo in your pocket instead. It's a little lighter."
I used to be a mechanic at a muffler shop. The work was exhausting.
It was so hot that I saw a Brink's truck with a screen door.
Q. What color is the "ghost flag?"
A. Red, white and BOO.
All men are born equal. Then they get married.
The best things in life are free or have no interest or payments for twelve months.
Tequila may not be the answer, but it does make you forget the question.
You may be a redneck if a fill up doubles the value of your truck.
Yo momma is so fat that when she goes camping, the bears lock up their food.
“Googlenesia”-the inability to recall the items you meant to Google..
Roses are red, violets are blue, i'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
Five out of four people are unfamiliar with "fractions."
Never trust a dog to guard your food.
I got a Viagra stuck in my throat. Now I have a "stiff neck."
I'm so poor that I can't even afford "Weenees" in my "Beanees."
Notice: A time travel seminar will be presented two weeks ago.
Whatever happened to the good old days, when children worked in mines?
Q. Why did Frosty the Snowman leave his bride at the altar?
A. He got cold feet.
I rear-ended a dwarf driving a Cadillac. "I'm not happy," he said. I said, "Which one are you then?"
Boy, did I stay in some redneck motel? I called the front desk and said, "I gotta a leak in the sink." They said, "Go ahead."
Words you'll never hear people say: "I don't know. Let me Yahoo it."
I crossed a dog with an antenna. I got a Golden Receiver.
*One-liners and short jokes, old and new, are presented to a diverse demographic audience of FACEBOOK users. Their replies, non-replies, and comments to each joke are recorded, tabulated, and statistically scored. Scores are inputted in a scientifically formulated algorithm that rates each joke as Liked or Loved, or neither. Presented here are the best of each.
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